Curiosity

One day last week I was listening to a podcast from Progressive Parenting about the attachment parenting principle of responsiveness. For those who aren't familiar with the concepts behind attachment parenting theory this is where to find out more. For me I sort of stumbled across this style of parenting purely by accident, not realizing there was a word (let alone a whole theory) to describe how I was already parenting by my own basic instinct. I didn't read any parenting books when I was pregnant, or even give much thought at all to how I wanted parent or what type of mother I would be. All I knew was that I would love my child with every part of myself, and the rest would get worked out as we went along. I guess in some way I always viewed parenting as a partnership between parent and child, and so in my mind there wasn't any way to know what that would look like until I got to know who my child was.

Since the day Bean was born I've been on a very steep learning curve! And in more recent times I've turned to books and blogs for advice and ideas on how to handle the various challenges that come up in each stage of her development. Hence, how I came to listening to a parenting podcast while I was driving home one day!

The lady being interviewed (one of the founders of Attachment Parenting International) was asked about how best to handle difficult behavior from a child in an attached and gentle way, and her answer really struck a chord in me. She said, that the one major difference between handling challenging behaviors positively versus negatively is curiosity. It's a word I don't use or hear used much in relation to parenting but as soon as she said it something clicked for me. Curiosity, she said, is the key to building and maintaining a connected relationship with your child, particularly in the times when they act out, because a parent who approaches their child with curiosity is much more likely to be open, calm, and empathic in dealing with any given situation. So rather than reacting to difficult behavior with anger or frustration, or skipping over tantrums with standard responses, a parent who has a mind set of curiosity stops to think 'Hmmm, why is my child doing this? They must be feeling something. What are they feeling? What can I do to help?...'. Being curious about our children is the way to get to get to know them. And I mean really know them, not just the outer surface which is what they show us with their behavior, but what lies underneath that behavior - their heart.

So now when I spend time with Bean I remind myself to remain curious, because the one thing I want more than anything in our relationship is to know each other. One of my biggest regrets with my own family is the feeling that they don't really know me very well as a person, and that I don't really know them that well either. That's something I'm working on, and as an adult this is a much more difficult process as the pattern of the way we relate has already become deeply ingrained. But It's never too late to change your perspective on how you relate to your children (or anyone else for that matter), they adapt to change much faster than we do and like a bud waiting for spring they blossom under our consistent nurturing, gradually opening up to show us the beauty and complexity of their bloom.

With my own little Bean I'm determined that I want to know her - both her light and her dark, her interior and her exterior. And the best way to get there is to be curious.

B xx

A New Thread

What seems like a very looooooong time ago, when I was pregnant with Bean, I began making a quilt as a future gift for her. I probably haven't mentioned that I enjoy embroidery, probably because I haven't had time to actually do any since giving birth! My sewing box has been discreetly gathering dust in a cupboard since I became a mummy...that is, until recently.

I pulled it down one day this week on the pretext of doing some mending that was long overdue, but as Bean and I riffled through the contents I found the panels I'd sewn for her quilt 18 months or more ago, and the mending was swiftly forgotten!

I felt freshly inspired to continue my creation and so a few days ago I started a new panel...

I find it's a great way of winding myself down in the evenings or when Bean takes her nap in the afternoon. It brings me out of my busy mind and guides me to a more still and quiet place that's hard for me to find after being in the middle of 'Hurricane Bean' all day! Lately, I've been searching for a way to centre myself when my the tension in my mind and body starts to build up, and I think this may be partly what I was looking for. It's something I can do in any spare few minutes to help melt away some of the daily stress before it bubbles over onto my family. It seems perfect serendipity that I rediscovered this project, completely by accident, when I really needed to find it.

As for Bean, the sewing box is an object of great curiosity and delight (as well as housing many enticing forbidden items!). She's taken to sitting on the floor with me to explore this new treasure trove, carefully examining each ribbon and thread she finds, admiring my completed panels, and trying desperately to get her little hands on the wheels of Coloured pins! Hopefully she enjoys the finished product as much as its many parts...although at this rate I may not have it finished for a few more years!

B xx

I Believe In Fairies

One evening last week I was sitting at the dinner table with a good friend of mine, therapeutically sipping a glass of wine after a particularly tough couple of days with Bean. I was lamenting the fact that Bean's emotions had been so heightened lately I felt like I'd spent the last few days running after a ticking time bomb trying to prevent an explosion! My friend, a connoisseur of great literature, reminded me of a wonderful line from J.M Barry's 'Peter Pan':

“Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for only one feeling at a time. ”

Sound like anyone you know?? :-)

Small children are often compared to fairies, elves, pixies...probably because their translucent innocence and mischievous nature holds a certain magical quality for us big people. But they also have the same emotional tendency of which Barry writes in Peter Pan. Bean, at 18 months, is entering a new phase in the way she behaves and relates to her world. She's been SO much busier lately! Toddling from one activity to the next...to the next and the next etc...completely self-directed, whilst I stumble along bleary eyed in her wake while she smears wet paint through her freshly washed hair at 6pm. Trying not to snap? Ummmm, that about says it...

She's also working hard to communicate a lot more, but struggles sometimes because she doesn't have enough language yet to always get her needs across. This is where we run into difficulty sometimes, because she's trying so desperately to tell me she wants something very specific and, despite my super-psychic-mummy powers, I don't always know what that is! < insert back-arching, writhing, biting, blubbering, tears-steaming, MELTDOWN! >

Another situation that often provokes an emotional meltdown lately is when Bean REALLY wants to do something she knows isn't kosher...like painting the furniture! A gentle explanation of 'Paint goes on the paper, not on the furniture' or 'Paint brushes stay at the table' is often the final straw for an already tired and fussy little Bean. MELTDOWN! Of course this is all basic toddler stuff, and in time this too shall pass. Sometimes though I find myself looking up from the bottom of the pool searching to see something, ANYTHING clearly.

These types of emotional outbursts seem to happen in clusters, then we come to the end and maybe I just write it off as a bad week. But when I take a moment to look back and examine the week and reflect on the bigger picture, I usually find that Bean has made some kind of developmental leap in that time - which I see as some kind of new awareness, understanding, or abilities that have blossomed. It also often coincides with teething, the onset of illness, me being in a bad space emotionally, something stressful happening in our family life, or all of the above!!

Toddlers are very sensitive little beings, with big emotions in a world that they're still learning literally everything about. Every moment for them is learning something new. It's not to say that their emotions aren't as complex as adults, but rather that when they feel something they feel it in its entirety. Like a tidal wave it swells up and fills every corner of their mind and body, leaving no room inside for reason, inhibition, or logic to temper the force of the overflow. In some ways, it's probably a much healthier way of dealing with things - just letting emotions flow into and out of you like a giant wave, no suppression, no grasping, no holding on. That way when it's done, it's done. The very same toddler who was in a state of internal apocalypse one minute, is suddenly babbling and exclaiming with excitement the next.

So when I witness Bean's next meltdown, I remind myself that her feelings are actually no different or more dramatic than my own, it's just that she FEELS and EXPRESSES every emotion she has...whereas, as an (English) adult, I've learned to barely acknowledge most of mine. There are many things we can learn from our children, and I think here the lesson is two-fold. First, we need to re-learn sensitivity both in relation to ourselves and to each other; and second, to recognize that emotions are, in fact, OK (healthy even!). So lets take a cue from our toddlers - express and let go, express and let go. When they explode, we embrace the explosion, let it flow through us and them, and then relax as it flows past. Take a breath, don't hold the emotion, acknowledge it then move on to the next thing.

This way we might be lucky enough to take a step backwards in time, to an age before we carried the worries and woes of the world on our shoulders. A time when we could cry hot salty palpable tears over spilled milk, then run out into the sunshine and let the breeze whisk them from our cheeks. A time when we still felt free to be ourselves. A time when we still believed in fairies.

B xx

The Post I Wasn't Supposed To Write.

So, you may or may not have noticed I've been a bit quiet lately. I've been working on a few different posts, writing a bit here and there, but it's been so hard to keep my focus for more than a few lines. So I decided in an attempt to cure my writers block I'm just going to be honest about what's been going on...

I've been in a rut. A depressing, self pitying, woe is me, please-everyone-just-leave-me-the-f**k-alone kind of a rut. You're probably all familiar with these! So I've nothing really to hide, but somehow I felt like as a "positive parenting mum blogger" I probably should keep things, well, positive! But maybe that's just an insane notion. When the reality of daily parenting for most of us often feels more like an uphill slog than a sunny walk in the park, and even when we're really trying our best there's not one of us who gets it right all the time.

So why not just be honest about it when we're having a difficult time? Maybe it's actually a more beneficial thing to write about the so-called 'failures' sometimes, because guaranteed there's someone else out there whose struggling with the same issues. Maybe trying so hard to be inspirational means we end up missing the point of inspiration.

When I fall into a rut it takes time and motivation to get myself out of it. First off just allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling really helps level the situation, which basically means giving myself complete and total permission to feel like c**p. There's no harm in this, in fact it's actually an important part of the process, because as long as I take responsibility for how I'm feeling and know that it's my own, I'm much less likely to take it out on anyone else. So rather than trying to force myself to be 'positive', I just relax and let it be. Once I've managed to relax and diverted myself from driving down the guilt-trip highway, I may actually stand a chance of becoming freshly inspired and re-motivated. One thing I find useful is doing something out of my comfort zone and different from our usual routine. It may be the last thing I feel like doing and I'll usually resist the idea a LOT, but if I can just push myself a little it generally pays off.

Today I decided it was time to shake things up, so I took Bean into the city for the first time in almost a year! It's a long trip for Bean, an hour each way, so that's mostly why I haven't been game to do it much! But I made a date with a friend from playgroup and was absolutely determined to keep it. Well, needless to say It turned out to be a wonderful morning, Bean had a fantastic time and it really helped me step out of my head space. I also find the simple act of being with another mum who I can relate to, helps break some of the isolation and loneliness that can quickly build up when you're a stay at home parent.

All that being said, there's no easy or quick fix for getting out of a rut. I'm still just as exhausted today as I was yesterday, and I'm still dealing with chronic pain, and navigating Bean's newest developmental stage. And even though we had a good morning, come 7pm I'll probably still be scrambling to locate the last frayed scraps of my sanity! But I guess the difference is in the way I look at things, and bit by bit, day by day I re-frame what's been happening and gradually the negativity dissipates.

All I can say is that today was a better day, and tomorrow is another chance to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bxx

Things to do...

I don't know about you, but most days there seems to be WAY too many things that I need to 'get done'. Mostly these are just small house or child related tasks, laundry, dishes, errands to run, phone calls and emails to be returned etc. But those small things really seem to build up quickly into one giant heap of things to do! Some days It doesn't bother me so much, and I just steadily work my way through as many things as possible whilst Bean naps. But then there's the other kind of days (like today) when that giant pile of stuff to do seems to grow eyes and teeth that glare and snarl at me until I quickly retreat into my metaphorical hole and hug my knees whilst silently rocking back and forth...

Obviously this is partly a matter of perception, which is greatly affected by how full my emotional and physical tank is. If I'm running on empty I look around me and all I see is mess, and before I've even done one small thing I'm already overwhelmed. Whereas if my tank is at least half full I'm better equipped to tackle things one at a time without losing the plot in the process.

The other part in this is just accepting the fact that having a child means I can't get as much done as I used to, I have to lower my standards, let some things slide, and not worry so much if everything isn't in order. I must admit I find this the hardest part of all! Bean is in full teething mode right now, which means her naps are short and restless and my leash is shortened to be within about 5 feet of her at all times. My tension levels start to run high after a few days of this, and my snarling pile of things to do gets totally out of control. I feel trapped, and I panic. The only thing that can potentially stop me in my path to melting down is taking a breath to look into Beans eyes. I see the innocence and wanting in them as she tugs me away from the sink and down the hallway to play or to cuddle. If i can really stop and see that then it's enough to make me forget the dishes, at least for a little while, I just have to breathe and allow myself to step out of my mental bubble for a few crucial seconds...otherwise I miss it.

B xx

For Bean

Did I mention I have a chronic pain disorder? Well...it definitely didn't slip my mind! In reality I suppose I wasn't planning on mentioning it at all (to anyone - let alone the internet) but the fact is that I started this blog with the intention of giving an honest view into my life as a parent, without any sugar coating, because let's face it - parenting isn't like being in a Huggies commercial. So there we have it. The fact is that at the moment I'm struggling to cope with constant pain and constant parenting, and I wish that the pain would just go away...or else that I could just take a couple of days off from everything! But, of course it doesn't work like that, once you become a parent there are no days off or time outs, and particularly since we don't have any helpful grandparents living in this country! Living with chronic pain is draining, frustrating, and depressing, but 10 years ago I made the decision to continue on with life as normally as possible, so that's what I do. However, this is much more of a challenge now that i'm a mother. Before Bean was born, I'd developed certain coping strategies that just don't hold up now that I have a little person who depends on me for her every need, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't have the luxury of taking naps when I feel like it, spending three days watching Grey's Anatomy back to back on DVD, or even taking pain medication whenever I need to. Things are very different now.

So why decide to have a baby in the first place you might ask? Well, after trying many different treatments in both the Conventional and Alternative medical routes I'd pretty much given up, but several doctors along the way had told me that since my problem seemed to be hormonally linked there was a 50/50 chance that my symptoms might be permanently cured or at least greatly reduced after pregnancy. It was my last option, and since we had both always wanted to have kids anyway,  Jake and I decided to take the gamble...and yes, it was a tough blow to come out on the wrong side of that particular coin. After being symptom free all through pregnancy, when Bean was about 5 months old (just when we'd made it through the other side of severe colic/reflux) the pain gradually came back to pretty much exactly the level it had been before. Ouch!

Ask me if I regret it though, and the answer is of course unequivocally 'no'. As hard it may be sometimes to parent through chronic pain, I feel like I didn't really know myself until Bean came along. Every day she helps me to be a better person by needing me to reach deeper into myself to find more love, more patience, more compassion, and to let go of selfishness and useless self image. That being said some weeks are much harder than others, and this is most certainly one of those weeks. And as much as i would like to think that my pain is simply mine and doesn't affect her, it clearly does. So I would like to say to Bean that i'm sorry i've been so crabby and impatient lately, and I'm sorry if I seem further away from you than usual. When I see the sunshine beaming from your face i'm more acutely aware of the clouds shadowing my own, so I do my best to smile when you smile and laugh when you laugh, because after all, happiness is the best medicine.  I hope that one day you'll understand how much pure joy you've brought to my life, and that even though my gamble didn't pay off in the way I was expecting, it gave me a more irreplaceable gift than I ever could have hoped for - it gave me you.

Bxx