Mistakes

OK. So...lets talk about mistakes...(please don't stop reading yet!). Well, first of all we ALL make them, and the mum at your child's music class who told she never has - is lying. Fact: Mistakes are a part of being human, and being human is part of being a good parent. I will say right now that I make parenting mistakes with Bean all the time, far more often than I really like to think about! And yes, of course, I feel the overwhelming and oh-so-prevalent brand of parental guilt after all of these transgressions. No matter how small.

But lately I've found a way of working with my errors in a more constructive way, with less silent guilt bashing, and a more positive end result. Are you wondering what it is yet? Well, it's actually the same learning process we try to teach to our children when they make a mistake like drawing on the walls or hitting their sibling:

• Recognize that we have made a mistake.
• Find out what underlying emotion or trigger caused us to behave in that way.
• Apologize sincerely to the person/people we may have hurt.
• Decide on how best to avoid making the same mistake again in the future.
• Move on.

Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology, even to a pre-verbal child. They can understand far more than we often give them credit for and even if they can't comprehend all the words they get a tonne of information from our body language, the tone of our voice, and the feeling we put across. Not only does an apology help clear the air, it also models self awareness and humility to our children, which is the most effective way to teach them.

The last one 'move on' is really important too, as the act of forgiving ourselves for making a mistake frees us up from guilt, models healthy self worth, and helps us to positively retain what we have learned from the situation.

It's so important to address feelings around a negative experience, not only for our kids, but for us as well. Otherwise we just sweep it all under the subconscious rug, and the more we pile away under there the more s**t that will pop out every time we try to get on top of it! By recognizing a mistake for our kids, apologizing, talking about how it felt from both sides, and moving on, we do our bit to help keep their subconscious slightly less cluttered. So lets all be the adults from now on and apologize when we lose our temper, snap, or otherwise parent in a way that isn't consistent with our values and beliefs.

By using this process, I've learned to repair my mistakes and validate both my own feelings and Bean's. It's not always easy, but most things in life (and parenting!) that are really worth doing aren't.

B xx

Curiosity

One day last week I was listening to a podcast from Progressive Parenting about the attachment parenting principle of responsiveness. For those who aren't familiar with the concepts behind attachment parenting theory this is where to find out more. For me I sort of stumbled across this style of parenting purely by accident, not realizing there was a word (let alone a whole theory) to describe how I was already parenting by my own basic instinct. I didn't read any parenting books when I was pregnant, or even give much thought at all to how I wanted parent or what type of mother I would be. All I knew was that I would love my child with every part of myself, and the rest would get worked out as we went along. I guess in some way I always viewed parenting as a partnership between parent and child, and so in my mind there wasn't any way to know what that would look like until I got to know who my child was.

Since the day Bean was born I've been on a very steep learning curve! And in more recent times I've turned to books and blogs for advice and ideas on how to handle the various challenges that come up in each stage of her development. Hence, how I came to listening to a parenting podcast while I was driving home one day!

The lady being interviewed (one of the founders of Attachment Parenting International) was asked about how best to handle difficult behavior from a child in an attached and gentle way, and her answer really struck a chord in me. She said, that the one major difference between handling challenging behaviors positively versus negatively is curiosity. It's a word I don't use or hear used much in relation to parenting but as soon as she said it something clicked for me. Curiosity, she said, is the key to building and maintaining a connected relationship with your child, particularly in the times when they act out, because a parent who approaches their child with curiosity is much more likely to be open, calm, and empathic in dealing with any given situation. So rather than reacting to difficult behavior with anger or frustration, or skipping over tantrums with standard responses, a parent who has a mind set of curiosity stops to think 'Hmmm, why is my child doing this? They must be feeling something. What are they feeling? What can I do to help?...'. Being curious about our children is the way to get to get to know them. And I mean really know them, not just the outer surface which is what they show us with their behavior, but what lies underneath that behavior - their heart.

So now when I spend time with Bean I remind myself to remain curious, because the one thing I want more than anything in our relationship is to know each other. One of my biggest regrets with my own family is the feeling that they don't really know me very well as a person, and that I don't really know them that well either. That's something I'm working on, and as an adult this is a much more difficult process as the pattern of the way we relate has already become deeply ingrained. But It's never too late to change your perspective on how you relate to your children (or anyone else for that matter), they adapt to change much faster than we do and like a bud waiting for spring they blossom under our consistent nurturing, gradually opening up to show us the beauty and complexity of their bloom.

With my own little Bean I'm determined that I want to know her - both her light and her dark, her interior and her exterior. And the best way to get there is to be curious.

B xx

Boobie Time

To start out I would like to say for the record that this is not intended to be a sugar-coated diatribe about the goodness of breastfeeding or the evils of formula. I was never breastfed and hold no judgement towards those who don't breastfeed. In truth, I wasn't always sure about the whole breastfeeding thing myself. I always knew I would try it but to be honest the entire concept of it scared me. I had so many doubts and questions in my mind before Bean was born. What would breastfeeding feel like? Would it be weird? How would I feel doing it? Would I be comfortable breastfeeding in public? And so on and on. I didn't really have a plan. Really the plan was not to worry about it and just give it a go when the time came. I read no books on the subject, a friend gave me a breast pump that I didn't unwrap...I just didn't want to go there. It was an area I was somehow too uncomfortable to explore.

From all the recent media hoo-ha over extended breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public, it seems there are a lot of other people out there who feel the same discomfort!! Why is breastfeeding such a controversial issue in our culture? Is it because we've sexualized everything about the human body to the point that we cannot separate the image of a woman breastfeeding her child from pornography? Maybe it's because as adults living in this disconnected modern society we're so starved for nurturing and closeness that we simply can't bear to see it on display? Sadly, I think it's a bit of both.

Unfortunately we've created a world where artificial is promoted over natural, controlled promoted over spontaneous, convenience is grossly over-valued, and instant gratification reins supreme. As women we've been exposed to generations of media meant to sell us on the idea that our natural state just isn't good enough, rather than selling us on ways to enjoy our beauty as it is, so that we in turn seek out ways to rectify our newly perceived imperfections. And here we are now, good consumers of ideas that keep us separate from ourselves and our infant.

I think for me feeling uncomfortable with my own body played a big part in my fears around breastfeeding. Somewhere along the way I'd lost the confidence and trust in my body to be able to do something as natural as feed a child. More likely I may never have found it in the first place. Also because my own mother had difficulty breastfeeding and suffered emotional trauma around this, I carried the fear imprinted in my mind that the same would happen for me.

And then Bean was born. In that moment everything changed. I had a home water birth that brought out the warrior in my heart (Jake loves imitating the growl that came from me during birth) and Bean was having her very first feed within 20 minutes of coming into the world. Suddenly all my fears and questions dissolved into nothingness. I can't really explain what happened, but after giving birth to this new beautiful life, breastfeeding felt like the most natural thing in the world. We've been incredibly lucky that it all came very easily for us, with minimal issues and lots of support from our midwife. When I hear about the difficulties that other women have gone through to breastfeed i'm humbled and extremely grateful to have had such an easy time as we did.

Now 18 months months on, it still hasn't lost the magic. Boobie time is pretty much any time for Bean and I, home, park, supermarket, back of the car, wherever. It mostly doesn't bother me, because I still genuinely love feeding Bean. She feeds for hunger and also for comfort, and she still feeds to go to sleep most nights, and I'm OK with that. I don't believe that at this tender age she needs to learn to 'self soothe' in the way that many in modern culture define it. I believe that by giving her a secure emotional foundation she will gain stable independence in her own good time, and I have seen this in plenty of other cultures that don't feel such a strong need to have control over who a person becomes. (Let's just say modern notions of optimising the person weren't what kept the human species alive this long.) Even when she wants to feed in the middle of Safeway because she's tired and hungry it's OK, we just walk and feed - although I'll admit she's getting pretty freaking' heavy for this now!

I'm aware that my feeding Bean in public draws some negative onlookers from time to time, and occasionally I feel self conscious about that, but mostly people seem to just look the other way. I feel it's vitally important that I (and all the other breastfeeding mums out there) not give in to any societal pressure to cover up or confine ourselves to the toilets or dressing rooms! As one brilliant lactivist sign I recently read put it: "I breastfeed in public. But feel free to eat YOUR meal in the bathroom". The only way to normalise something is to keep doing it, and the more people do it the more quickly accepted it will become. And it's not just about feeling OK to breastfeed, but also about feeling OK to nurture. Publicly. Openly. And for us to bring back into our modern cultures constant reminders of the how precious nurturing is. Which is what breastfeeding can be - a constant reminder that without the deepest gentleness and need for love in ourselves there is much, much less to live for.

There are, of course, some days when feeding a toddler doesn't feel so great, like when we're in the midst of a cranky teething spurt and she's on and off the nipple what feels like ALL DAY LONG. Sometimes I don't feel like being her human pacifier, particularly when she bites! Then there are other times I feel so privileged to able to offer her that comfort and soothe her pain. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but for the most part it's still a joy and a pleasure for us both, and this is why we're still doing it. Because apart from all the well documented benefits of extended breastfeeding (see links below), my main reason for continuing is the joy and intimacy that it brings to our relationship. Bean takes my hand and leads me to our family bed (her preferred place for boobie snuggles), we lie down and she burrows into my chest. I hold her close, breathing in the delicious milky scent of her head, softly kissing and caressing her hair whilst she feeds. These are some of my favorite moments of our days together, so I savor the sensations and wrap them up safe in my memory, because I know they won't continue forever.

I don't have a fixed time frame of how long I intend to breastfeed Bean, when she was born I thought I wouldn't go longer than a year, and now I think somewhere after 2 years will be my limit. Despite the fact that I still love feeding Bean, there have been other challenges in the choice to continue long term. Because I have a chronic pain condition that came back gradually after Bean was born, I've had to deal with the reality of only being able to use minimal pain medication. It's something that has made me seriously consider weaning several times in the last year, and my decision not to is a daily choice that I make both for Bean and for myself. For Bean I choose not to wean yet because I believe it's in her best interest both physically and emotionally. And for myself I know that any drug I could take wouldn't actually be a solution to my problem.

So for now, I'll cherish boobie time as often as possible for as long as it continues. And when it's over, yes, I'll probably be sad. But I will end this chapter secure in the knowledge that Bean and I will never cease to share the intimate bond and loving relationship that grew and was nurtured at my breast.

B xx

Useful Links on Extended Breastfeeding (EBF):

• http://www.whale.to/a/extended_breastfeeding.html
• http://www.childhealthresearch.org.au/news-events/media-releases/2010/january/new-study-shows-long-term-mental-health-benefits-from-extended-breastfeeding.aspx
• http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/ 
• http://kellymom.com/ages/after12mo/ebf-refs/

 

I Believe In Fairies

One evening last week I was sitting at the dinner table with a good friend of mine, therapeutically sipping a glass of wine after a particularly tough couple of days with Bean. I was lamenting the fact that Bean's emotions had been so heightened lately I felt like I'd spent the last few days running after a ticking time bomb trying to prevent an explosion! My friend, a connoisseur of great literature, reminded me of a wonderful line from J.M Barry's 'Peter Pan':

“Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for only one feeling at a time. ”

Sound like anyone you know?? :-)

Small children are often compared to fairies, elves, pixies...probably because their translucent innocence and mischievous nature holds a certain magical quality for us big people. But they also have the same emotional tendency of which Barry writes in Peter Pan. Bean, at 18 months, is entering a new phase in the way she behaves and relates to her world. She's been SO much busier lately! Toddling from one activity to the next...to the next and the next etc...completely self-directed, whilst I stumble along bleary eyed in her wake while she smears wet paint through her freshly washed hair at 6pm. Trying not to snap? Ummmm, that about says it...

She's also working hard to communicate a lot more, but struggles sometimes because she doesn't have enough language yet to always get her needs across. This is where we run into difficulty sometimes, because she's trying so desperately to tell me she wants something very specific and, despite my super-psychic-mummy powers, I don't always know what that is! < insert back-arching, writhing, biting, blubbering, tears-steaming, MELTDOWN! >

Another situation that often provokes an emotional meltdown lately is when Bean REALLY wants to do something she knows isn't kosher...like painting the furniture! A gentle explanation of 'Paint goes on the paper, not on the furniture' or 'Paint brushes stay at the table' is often the final straw for an already tired and fussy little Bean. MELTDOWN! Of course this is all basic toddler stuff, and in time this too shall pass. Sometimes though I find myself looking up from the bottom of the pool searching to see something, ANYTHING clearly.

These types of emotional outbursts seem to happen in clusters, then we come to the end and maybe I just write it off as a bad week. But when I take a moment to look back and examine the week and reflect on the bigger picture, I usually find that Bean has made some kind of developmental leap in that time - which I see as some kind of new awareness, understanding, or abilities that have blossomed. It also often coincides with teething, the onset of illness, me being in a bad space emotionally, something stressful happening in our family life, or all of the above!!

Toddlers are very sensitive little beings, with big emotions in a world that they're still learning literally everything about. Every moment for them is learning something new. It's not to say that their emotions aren't as complex as adults, but rather that when they feel something they feel it in its entirety. Like a tidal wave it swells up and fills every corner of their mind and body, leaving no room inside for reason, inhibition, or logic to temper the force of the overflow. In some ways, it's probably a much healthier way of dealing with things - just letting emotions flow into and out of you like a giant wave, no suppression, no grasping, no holding on. That way when it's done, it's done. The very same toddler who was in a state of internal apocalypse one minute, is suddenly babbling and exclaiming with excitement the next.

So when I witness Bean's next meltdown, I remind myself that her feelings are actually no different or more dramatic than my own, it's just that she FEELS and EXPRESSES every emotion she has...whereas, as an (English) adult, I've learned to barely acknowledge most of mine. There are many things we can learn from our children, and I think here the lesson is two-fold. First, we need to re-learn sensitivity both in relation to ourselves and to each other; and second, to recognize that emotions are, in fact, OK (healthy even!). So lets take a cue from our toddlers - express and let go, express and let go. When they explode, we embrace the explosion, let it flow through us and them, and then relax as it flows past. Take a breath, don't hold the emotion, acknowledge it then move on to the next thing.

This way we might be lucky enough to take a step backwards in time, to an age before we carried the worries and woes of the world on our shoulders. A time when we could cry hot salty palpable tears over spilled milk, then run out into the sunshine and let the breeze whisk them from our cheeks. A time when we still felt free to be ourselves. A time when we still believed in fairies.

B xx

The Post I Wasn't Supposed To Write.

So, you may or may not have noticed I've been a bit quiet lately. I've been working on a few different posts, writing a bit here and there, but it's been so hard to keep my focus for more than a few lines. So I decided in an attempt to cure my writers block I'm just going to be honest about what's been going on...

I've been in a rut. A depressing, self pitying, woe is me, please-everyone-just-leave-me-the-f**k-alone kind of a rut. You're probably all familiar with these! So I've nothing really to hide, but somehow I felt like as a "positive parenting mum blogger" I probably should keep things, well, positive! But maybe that's just an insane notion. When the reality of daily parenting for most of us often feels more like an uphill slog than a sunny walk in the park, and even when we're really trying our best there's not one of us who gets it right all the time.

So why not just be honest about it when we're having a difficult time? Maybe it's actually a more beneficial thing to write about the so-called 'failures' sometimes, because guaranteed there's someone else out there whose struggling with the same issues. Maybe trying so hard to be inspirational means we end up missing the point of inspiration.

When I fall into a rut it takes time and motivation to get myself out of it. First off just allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling really helps level the situation, which basically means giving myself complete and total permission to feel like c**p. There's no harm in this, in fact it's actually an important part of the process, because as long as I take responsibility for how I'm feeling and know that it's my own, I'm much less likely to take it out on anyone else. So rather than trying to force myself to be 'positive', I just relax and let it be. Once I've managed to relax and diverted myself from driving down the guilt-trip highway, I may actually stand a chance of becoming freshly inspired and re-motivated. One thing I find useful is doing something out of my comfort zone and different from our usual routine. It may be the last thing I feel like doing and I'll usually resist the idea a LOT, but if I can just push myself a little it generally pays off.

Today I decided it was time to shake things up, so I took Bean into the city for the first time in almost a year! It's a long trip for Bean, an hour each way, so that's mostly why I haven't been game to do it much! But I made a date with a friend from playgroup and was absolutely determined to keep it. Well, needless to say It turned out to be a wonderful morning, Bean had a fantastic time and it really helped me step out of my head space. I also find the simple act of being with another mum who I can relate to, helps break some of the isolation and loneliness that can quickly build up when you're a stay at home parent.

All that being said, there's no easy or quick fix for getting out of a rut. I'm still just as exhausted today as I was yesterday, and I'm still dealing with chronic pain, and navigating Bean's newest developmental stage. And even though we had a good morning, come 7pm I'll probably still be scrambling to locate the last frayed scraps of my sanity! But I guess the difference is in the way I look at things, and bit by bit, day by day I re-frame what's been happening and gradually the negativity dissipates.

All I can say is that today was a better day, and tomorrow is another chance to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bxx

Letting Go

Welcome to the September edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Exploring and Learning.

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by "http://positiveparentingconnection.net/carnival-of-authentic-parenting/" target="_blank">The Positive Parenting Connection and "http://www.authenticparenting.info/p/carnival" target="_blank">Authentic Parenting. This month our participants are writing about this exploring and learning! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.


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‘The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes, but in having new eyes’ - Proust

I see so many parents day to day too stressed out, following their child around at the park saying things like “Don’t touch that”, “Don’t get your clothes dirty”, “Don’t run, you’ll fall”. I know we all have days, when we feel exhausted, cranky and on edge, and on those days it can be excruciatingly hard not to slip into that state of tension where we try to control every situation, solely so that we feel more in control of ourselves. I have those days too, and they SUCK...for everyone involved! The problem is when we grasp to control these situations we not only create a lot more tension and stress for ourselves and for our families, but we also hinder our children’s ability to freely explore and learn from their world.

I find on these days I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and let go of the metaphorical reins. By letting go of my own need for control I allow Bean to lead the way and show me a view of the world through her eyes. The less time I spend worrying about dirty clothes, grubby hands, and ‘germs’, the more time I spend connecting, exploring, and learning together with her.
Exploring and learning are what a child’s life is all about. Gazing at the world with eyes wide open, taking in every minute detail, using touch, taste and smell to thoroughly examine every new thing they encounter...this is how children get to know their world. As parents it’s an important part of our role to help facilitate this process and also to provide plenty of opportunities for exploration and learning to happen.

Often I find the best opportunities come along when we don’t have anything planned. On a day when I’ve been too tired to plan outings or activities in advance, and can’t be bothered to try and check anything off my eternal ‘to do’ list, fun ways to learn and explore arise from Bean’s natural curiosity. Helping Daddy break down branches in the back yard, taking a walk down the street and stopping to smell all the different flowers along the way, or emptying out a kitchen cupboard...these are all opportunities for exploration and learning. The key is to take the time to explore things with them - forget the schedule for a minute, slow down to their pace, get down on their level, interact and have fun!

As adults we tend to forget that children see the world so differently to us. To a child something we’ve seen thousands of times can be a great source of interest and excitement. A stick is not simply a stick, a puddle is not simply a mess – they have colour, texture, and are completely different from all the others on the ground. In order to appreciate this we need to let go and let our children re-educate us in the magic of discovery. When we let go of some of our adult preconceptions we open ourselves up to catching a glimpse of both their view of this world we share and most importantly of their inner world. This is how we gain a better understanding of who they are.

Parenting is in many ways is a continuous process of letting go. In the beginning when our lives are turned upside down by our newborn baby we practice letting go of selfishness – we let go of our previous lifestyle, alone time, social life etc. Then we can make room for nurturing a new life and spirit and free up our energies for the person who needs them most. When our baby becomes a toddler we practice letting go of fear and control. Suddenly this little being we spent many months protectively cradling in our arms is bustling around on stout little feet with their own fully-grown agenda. From toddler to child we keep letting go of the reins bit by bit, giving more and more freedom as abilities and maturity develop, whilst still being present to share in their delights and comfort their wounds. And so it goes...the more they grow up, the more we have to let go. And so we grow.

By giving our children the space, time, and opportunities to explore freely and learn in their own way and at their own pace, we also give ourselves permission to let go and once more see the world through child’s eyes, to grow up into an adult with a spirit that welcomes what we do not yet know.

B xx

P.s. A huge thank you to Jake for helping me edit this post, you are my team!

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"https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs6H1POmHaEfzu3TRFUNX5MRsA-et4egzrdkRjemfdND26KxugF20MD37f8KblOUpR4ZTJG-DrisdAqM_f5_zYYdAq-ixbxk3A9iSpOr8lzdAlz4GX9lGQXBnEv8KCpj-xsN04VjZXlCs/s225/APBC-Graphic3.png"

alt="APBC - Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting" align="right" border="0" />Visit "http://positiveparentingconnection.net/blog_carnival" target="_blank">The Positive Parenting Connection and "http://www.authenticparenting.info/p/carnival" target="_blank">Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

   
• "http://codenamemama.com/2012/09/28/what-was-i-thinking/">What Was I Thinking?

- Does your child ever do something that makes you wonder, "what was he thinking?!" Dionna at Code Name: Mama had a post planned about how her child doesn't think when he pulls out the art supplies. Then she discovered a mess of her own.
   

"http://onelittlebean1.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/letting-go.html">Letting Go

- Sutra at One Little Bean writes about letting go of metaphorical reins and reminds us that to child something we’ve seen thousands of times can be a great source of interest and excitement.
   

Jennifer at "http://www.hybridrastamama.com/">Hybrid Rasta Mama

shares "http://www.hybridrastamama.com/2012/09/50-ways-to-explore-connect-to-nature.html.html">50 Ways To Explore and Connect To Nature With Your Children. If you are looking for some inspiration on getting outside with your children, this is the post for you!
   

"http://www.thatmamagretchen.com/2012/09/turning-2-learning-gifts-for-my.html">Turning 2 | Learning Gifts for My Favorite Toddler

- That Mama Gretchen is preparing for her daughter's 2nd birthday with a round up of her favorite learning toys and activities.
   

"http://positiveparentingconnection.net/toddler-play-learning-activities/">Play & Discover: 6 Learning Activities For Tots & Preschoolers

 - Ariadne over at Positive Parenting Connection is sharing 6 activities that are fantastic for toddlers and preschoolers to work on cognitive, motor, social and language skills, while having lots of fun!
   

"http://www.authenticparenting.info/">An Unschooler's Take on Lessons

- Laura at Authentic Parenting experiences inner conflict about lessons and learning.

A Finite Time

Yesterday I came across this article about an illustrator who set about trying to raise funds to self publish his children's book on kick starter:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/21/the-bear-ryan-sohmer-becky-dreistadt_n_1894529.html

His name is Ryan Sohmer and his illustrations are truly stunning. So is no wonder his campaign raised more than $75,000 in just a matter of weeks! As I was flicking through the gallery of his work, one of the illustrations and it's wording really struck a chord with me:

I've been having a tough few days after catching the flu, struggling with my chronic pain, and not getting much sleep with Bean in the final push to get all four of her eye teeth through. When it comes time for Jake to leave for work in the mornings I literally have to fight the urge to get down on my knees and beg him not to go!!

At times like these it takes some kind of stimlus to get me to shift my focus from everything that's wrong in my life, and see all the wonderful things that are right. This time that illustration was it.

Because it's true, there most definitely is a finite number of years that Bean will want and need me as much as she does now. She won't always want to hold my hand when we walk down the front steps, or nuzzle in to my chest when she's tired but doesn't want to sleep yet. She wont always want to show me when she finds a beautiful flower in the yard, or for me to sit in the bunny chair and read 'Mr Noisy' at the top of my voice for the seventh time that day. One day, much sooner than I'm ready to admit, she'll want to play with her friends instead of with me at the park, she'll want privacy and space, and to be as independent as is natural for a growing child to become.

So I want to make the most of these precious years, this time of being the at the molten epicenter of Bean's universe. And whilst there will always be days when I long for more space and time to myself, I must remember to sit and savor the magic of this place where I'm still her sun, moon, and stars.

Bxx

Mementos

Ever since Bean started showing an interest in art and craft I've been actively encouraging her budding creativity. I found a little table and chairs on gumtree, and then cleared two shelves on one of our bookcases so that she could have all her art and craft supplies accessible at her level (Montessori style)...

She does a lot of mixed media pieces, first she goes and gets out her paints and brushes, followed by the dot art bottles, then pens and crayons, and often she finishes off with every kid's favourite - stickers! And of course, being the doting parents we are, her latest works go on display...

...But there's also a rather large stack accumulating on top of the art shelves! which I've begun to sort through every so often...

I love starting to collect these mementos made by Bean, and with the ones I've decided to keep I pencil in the date and her age at the bottom for posterity. I'll probably have a closest full in a few months time!! but I just can't bring myself to throw them ALL in the recycling.

I remember my own mum kept a drawer in the kitchen full of all kinds of keepsakes from my childhood: mothers day cards, paintings, salt dough figurines, books I'd written and illustrated, short stories, and photographs. As I got older I used to look through the drawer from time to time. I liked to remember the times past when I'd lovingly created the various pieces, but most of all it gave me a sense of how much I must be loved. Since my mum had cherished this collection even through all those years, numerous teenage rebellions, and three different houses!

So I hope that one day Bean will enjoy looking through her own assortment of mementos, and perhaps feel that same warmth and appreciation that comes with the knowledge that you and all your creations are treasured by someone you love.

I, however, may need to find some more storage space! ;-)

Bxx

The Newborn Haze

I cant believe Bean is almost 18 months old! She's grown up so much lately, both physically and mentally...more and more words are spilling out each day, shes stronger and more coordinated, and she understands at least 80% of what we say to her (oh help!). Spending my days with Bean is, on the whole, a lot of fun these days...but it didn't always feel that way. Her impending milestone got me thinking back to the days when she was just a tiny baby bundle, a brand new being so warm and vulnerable, with that intoxicating aroma of sweet milk and honey. Her sudden existence was so incredible to me that I fell in love head first, diving deep into her without a second thought, so consumed that I couldn't come up for air.

Not many people seem to talk about how hard it can be being a new mother, or how intense those first few months are. I call it 'The newborn haze' because that's what it felt like for me, like a thick fog had settled over Bean and I, enclosing us away from the rest of the world in our own fragile universe. I felt lost in her, like I no longer knew myself and couldn't remember who I'd been before she took her first exquisite breath. I was blank and full, with no room inside me for anything else but her.

One of the most difficult parts was not being able to really express or make sense of how I was feeling, it was so unexpected, so foreign, and I didn't know where to start unraveling the threads. I think partly I was in shock at the reality of becoming a mother, and how much that would consume and totally change our life. In pregnancy, most of us focus our thoughts on being pregnant and eventually giving birth, we devour books, make plans, and monitor everything in minute detail, but we don't often pay much mind to what happens after the birth. In our culture preparing for the arrival of a baby mostly means having all the 'stuff' you need neatly arranged in the baby's room, and having a bag packed for your impending visit to hospital...but what about being mentally and emotionally prepared? Well, I guess there isn't really anything that can truly prepare one for the earth shattering undertaking that is becoming a parent, it doesn't matter what books you read, or what your friends tell you, it's something that can only be experienced first hand.

18 months into this parenting journey and I realize that ever since Bean was born i've slowly but surely been transforming myself. Everything changes when you create a life, your routine changes, your house shifts around, and your schedule goes out the window along with your social life and self image! So it makes sense that as people we dramatically change as well, and no one ever said change was easy. I now see the newborn haze as a stage of metamorphosis, like a caterpillar going into it's chrysalis a new mother goes into the haze to begin her transformation, to let go of the parts of herself that no longer serve and discover new aspects that will help her to emerge, a stronger more diverse version of her previous self. When Bean was about 6 months old, once we'd come through the other side of colic and reflux, things started to shift for me. I gradually began to feel myself as an independent entity from Bean and over the year that followed I slowly edged my way out of my cocoon. Now, for the first time since Bean was born, I feel like I've fully emerged. And whilst I still struggle some days, and definitely have more growing to do, I think i'm finally ready to open my wings and bask in the sunlight.

Bxx

Things to do...

I don't know about you, but most days there seems to be WAY too many things that I need to 'get done'. Mostly these are just small house or child related tasks, laundry, dishes, errands to run, phone calls and emails to be returned etc. But those small things really seem to build up quickly into one giant heap of things to do! Some days It doesn't bother me so much, and I just steadily work my way through as many things as possible whilst Bean naps. But then there's the other kind of days (like today) when that giant pile of stuff to do seems to grow eyes and teeth that glare and snarl at me until I quickly retreat into my metaphorical hole and hug my knees whilst silently rocking back and forth...

Obviously this is partly a matter of perception, which is greatly affected by how full my emotional and physical tank is. If I'm running on empty I look around me and all I see is mess, and before I've even done one small thing I'm already overwhelmed. Whereas if my tank is at least half full I'm better equipped to tackle things one at a time without losing the plot in the process.

The other part in this is just accepting the fact that having a child means I can't get as much done as I used to, I have to lower my standards, let some things slide, and not worry so much if everything isn't in order. I must admit I find this the hardest part of all! Bean is in full teething mode right now, which means her naps are short and restless and my leash is shortened to be within about 5 feet of her at all times. My tension levels start to run high after a few days of this, and my snarling pile of things to do gets totally out of control. I feel trapped, and I panic. The only thing that can potentially stop me in my path to melting down is taking a breath to look into Beans eyes. I see the innocence and wanting in them as she tugs me away from the sink and down the hallway to play or to cuddle. If i can really stop and see that then it's enough to make me forget the dishes, at least for a little while, I just have to breathe and allow myself to step out of my mental bubble for a few crucial seconds...otherwise I miss it.

B xx

For Bean

Did I mention I have a chronic pain disorder? Well...it definitely didn't slip my mind! In reality I suppose I wasn't planning on mentioning it at all (to anyone - let alone the internet) but the fact is that I started this blog with the intention of giving an honest view into my life as a parent, without any sugar coating, because let's face it - parenting isn't like being in a Huggies commercial. So there we have it. The fact is that at the moment I'm struggling to cope with constant pain and constant parenting, and I wish that the pain would just go away...or else that I could just take a couple of days off from everything! But, of course it doesn't work like that, once you become a parent there are no days off or time outs, and particularly since we don't have any helpful grandparents living in this country! Living with chronic pain is draining, frustrating, and depressing, but 10 years ago I made the decision to continue on with life as normally as possible, so that's what I do. However, this is much more of a challenge now that i'm a mother. Before Bean was born, I'd developed certain coping strategies that just don't hold up now that I have a little person who depends on me for her every need, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't have the luxury of taking naps when I feel like it, spending three days watching Grey's Anatomy back to back on DVD, or even taking pain medication whenever I need to. Things are very different now.

So why decide to have a baby in the first place you might ask? Well, after trying many different treatments in both the Conventional and Alternative medical routes I'd pretty much given up, but several doctors along the way had told me that since my problem seemed to be hormonally linked there was a 50/50 chance that my symptoms might be permanently cured or at least greatly reduced after pregnancy. It was my last option, and since we had both always wanted to have kids anyway,  Jake and I decided to take the gamble...and yes, it was a tough blow to come out on the wrong side of that particular coin. After being symptom free all through pregnancy, when Bean was about 5 months old (just when we'd made it through the other side of severe colic/reflux) the pain gradually came back to pretty much exactly the level it had been before. Ouch!

Ask me if I regret it though, and the answer is of course unequivocally 'no'. As hard it may be sometimes to parent through chronic pain, I feel like I didn't really know myself until Bean came along. Every day she helps me to be a better person by needing me to reach deeper into myself to find more love, more patience, more compassion, and to let go of selfishness and useless self image. That being said some weeks are much harder than others, and this is most certainly one of those weeks. And as much as i would like to think that my pain is simply mine and doesn't affect her, it clearly does. So I would like to say to Bean that i'm sorry i've been so crabby and impatient lately, and I'm sorry if I seem further away from you than usual. When I see the sunshine beaming from your face i'm more acutely aware of the clouds shadowing my own, so I do my best to smile when you smile and laugh when you laugh, because after all, happiness is the best medicine.  I hope that one day you'll understand how much pure joy you've brought to my life, and that even though my gamble didn't pay off in the way I was expecting, it gave me a more irreplaceable gift than I ever could have hoped for - it gave me you.

Bxx

French Toast & Dancing

I must take a moment or two now to tell you how inconceivably lucky I am to have my husband Jake. This morning, as with every other morning in our house, Jake cooked us a scrumptious breakfast - French toast and bacon today. He was a pastry chef in a previous incarnation and does at least 75% of the cooking in an average week...and yes, I know, I am insanely blessed!! Not only does he have superior cooking skills, he's also the most wonderful father to our Bean. This morning after Bean had brushed her little hands together to declare that she was finished with her breakfast, Jake scooped her up and danced with her to the music playing on the dock. One of Bean's favorite things in the world is dancing with her daddy, she drapes her little arms around his neck, rests her cheek softly on his shoulder, and smiles contentedly.

Watching them dance got me reflecting on how important fathers are to a child, in the beginning it's often all about mum and milks and dads can sometimes feel like a bit of a third wheel. But as babies grow into toddlers they develop independent relationships with the other important people in their life, and so dad becomes more than just the person who cooks the breakfast. Now, just like mum, he provides fun, safety, comfort, teaching, and love but all in his own unique and cherished ways. So I would like to say Thank you to Jake for being Beans dad, you make our world the happiest place to dance.

Bxx

Morning Magic

We love the morning in our house... it's the most magical time of day. Especially when we all wake up together, and by that I mean when Jake manages to sleep past 4am (it's not Bean who I worry about not sleeping through the night in our house - although she doesn't yet either). This morning Jake and I awoke first and spent some glorious minutes enjoying the stillness and whispered conversation, and then Bean (who had been sleeping between us) rolled over to face Jake and opened her eyes with a "Oohaaweru!" and some other delighted exclamations. She gently reached out and explored his eyes, nose, mouth, and cheeks...and then again not so gently! Then she rolled over to face me with a sleepy smile and went searching for her morning milks. We spend many glorious mornings all waking up together, and I miss it when it doesn't happen for one reason or another. I love the peacefulness just before bean wakes up, and then her gentle happy babbling as she comes into consciousness. It's like being in another world, a world between sleeping and waking, a place suspended in action before those little feet slip out of bed and patter into the lounge room to start their busy day.
After such a wonderful wake up the sound of play school nursery rhymes and electronic piano music can be rather jarring some days...but nothing a cup of Earl Grey can't fix...and then we're in to a brand new day :-)

Bxx